Not Even Boyfriend Material

Promising forever, to have and to hold

Always struck me as boring and old.

I promise that I will never say the words

“Don't look up.” I'll stare in another direction

Until you start staring the same way.

I promise you'll ask “what are you staring at?” a lot.

I promise that I will not bring my chainsaw

Inside your house or apartment.

I promise I will never put money first,

Second, or under anybody's mattress.

I promise that I will never read your mail.

Sometimes, I may choose to read mine.

I promise to tell every joke I make

Until I know that you heard it.

I promise to keep my eye on the ball;

I promise to keep my head in the game;

I promise to keep my hands to myself,

At least when I'm playing non-contact sports.

I promise that if you rank a day's two weirdest questions,

That I will have asked both of them.

I promise that I will forget things,

But I'll probably forgot I told you so.