Actor: A person who might to be shopping for a personality, but appears to be trying everything on first.
Artist: A person with two jobs, one hobby, and no career.
Attorney-Client Privilege: The sacred bond of trust that exists between a slimy scumbag of a lawyer and his scumbag criminal of a client.
Bar: A place people go to lie together before they lie together.
Beer: A food in the grain family; generally accompanies pizza at breakfast.
Biology: The study of how dead things lived.
Birth: The preliminary stage of death.
Book: An archaic precursor to the computer.
Cat: Something who works hard for the
Cellular Phone: An Elderitch Abomination. A reflection of all of the most horrible aspects of human nature, culture, and behavior, from mindless suggestibility to hive social structure to participation in fashion trends.
Cognitive Dissonance: The presence of irony in one's personality. Also, a possible explanation for hipsters.
Culture: An invisible fence composed of unspoken rules and created without consideration, by mass consensus.
Doctor: An instrument of profit employed by insurance companies.
Dog: An animal that seeks to make a vice of humanity's rarest virtues.
Economics: What you get when you take everything sexy out of sex.
English: A language with at least nineteen different words for "rain," invented by the British. It's still better than their food.
Experience: Something acquired largely because we didn't have it when we really needed it.
Expletive: A word that can mean anything and be used anywhere, thus rendering it useless and meaningless.
Eye: An instrument of self-deception, second only to the brain.
Facebook: Twitter with leather seats and heated cupholders.
Fashion: A complex system of cultural prejudices codified by second-rate artists doing jobs for which fourth-rate engineers would be better suited. Western fashion appears to have been organized around the philosophical values of impracticality and discomfort, though it would require study by a native of an uncontacted tribal culture to be certain.
Finance: A lucrative profession concerned with creating bogus profits and paper loses by buying and selling things that do not exist in the real world.
Florida: Retirees, rednecks, and a swamp, coated with Disney to attract grandchildren. The swamp is worth seeing.
Fraud: Robbing a bank with a toy gun.
French: A language in which profanity sounds like poetry. It's still grittier than its inventors.
German: A language in which poetry sounds like profanity, spoken by the ancestral enemies of the French.
Heavy Metal: A genre of rock music. Its performers are easily distinguished by their steadfast refusal to engage in any healthful behavior other than weight-bearing exercise.
History: The study of our ancestors' virtues and other peoples' misery.
Insanity: The inability to think as prescribed by modern human culture. See also: Insight.
Insight: Thinking proscribed by modern human culture. See also: Insanity.
Job Opening: A phrase always accompanied by "experience required" or "experience preferred."
Latin: A dead language, spoken only by
Lawyer: Someone who knows six different ways of saying things he may not mean and probably doesn't believe.
Life: An awkward situation; Something that is just passing through water; A series of bad jokes, punctuated by emotional outbursts.
Living: An activity best done by the odd, the talented, the poetic, and the sarcastic.
Love: An outdated, colloquial term for oneitis; the term is most frequently used by its sufferers. In poets, "love" may also refer to twoitis or threeitis.
Man: A type of person who is frequently deceived by appearances.
Marriage: An affliction of the body and mind. Effects include isolation, desperation, sexual frustration, alcohol consumption, inability to communicate, and in extreme cases, physical violence or childbirth. Due to advances in modern medicine, many cases of marriage do not end in death.
Misery: That which is only amusing in hindsight.
Money: A convenient invention, for which we perpetually inconvenience ourselves.
Peace: A temporary period of no fighting, enforced by superior strength.
People's Republic: A place where neither the people nor their votes have any power.
Performance Enhancing Drugs: Viagra, Cialis, etc.
Poet: Someone who thinks in metaphor and speaks in riddles.
Politician: Someone who works hard for the
Principle of Occam's Razor, The: The science of saving money on medicine and medical care by dismissing all physical ailments as "old football injury" and "something I ate."
Prostitution: The world's most honest profession.
Research: God's punishment for the sins of the researcher. They must be exceptional sinners.
Science: A field of study largely concerned with doing interesting and unusual things in the most precise and tedious manner possible.
Sibling: See: Scapegoat, Punching Bag.
Sex: A committee processes as messy as any other.
Technology: That which is rendered popular by newness until time and improvement render it more useful than its predecessor, at which point it becomes unfashionable.
Television: A modern substitute for babysitters, schoolteachers, stages, concert halls, sex, and human contact.
Time: A perpetually-undervalued, non-renewable resource.
Vegetarianism: Religious self-flagellation in India and a fad diet in the west. The weight-loss strategy behind Vegetarianism is that if you make eating an unpleasant experience you won't do it as much. Veganism, the most extreme variety of Vegetarianism, is actually aversion therapy for food.
Violence: America's Pastime.
Writer: One whose self-assigned role is to resolve the dissonance between what authority told us and what experience tells us. See also: Artist.
X: Reputable words do not begin with the letter X, which is reserved for brand names (Xanax), children's toys (xylophone), and dead brown people from the age of antiquity (Xerxes).
Youth: A state of flexibility. The muscles and credulity of the young are much more difficult to strain than those of the old, the latter tending to respond at the slightest provocation.
Z: Reputable words to not begin with the letter Z, which is reserved for brand names (Zoloft), children's toys (Zoetrope), and fictional white people from the age of antiquity (Zeus).
I enjoyed reading this, got a laugh from few. Especially liked the "see: artist" note on writer.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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